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NAIJA CHRISTIAN PROTECT THY SELF AGAINST PLAGUES (ISAIAH 26:20)

Note: First published on March 28, 2020. The “published” date on the tab is the date that it was uploaded on this new site. Though some issues in this piece may still be current (depending on…), this info is to avoid your mistaking the piece as current news.

This is “No Bulshting,” by Harry Agina.

Greetings!

Whatever I blog about, it is always in No Bullshitting character. And, No Bullshitting is all about saying it the way it should be said; raw and hard. It knows no nonsensical political correctness, no niceness, no fear, and no favor…indeed, no bullshitting at all!!! This time, I want to say something about the covid-19 pandemic. And I want to say it in Pidgin English to Nigerian masses, for effective communication. First, I have to crave the indulgence of my non Nigerian readers. But, guess what; if you try just a little you can actually understand much of what is said. Pidgin English is a hybrid of English and some Nigerian lingo.

Often, the English words are actually much more than the lingo, but the syntax is peculiar. The English words are rearranged into pidgin form of sentences to suit the lingo. That’s the version that I will use here and avoid going deep into the more complex Pidgin English. The fusion with the lingo makes it easy for effective communication to my Nigerian masses who are not-so-literate in English grammar. If you are not Nigerian, you should actually look at this as a simple lesson in Nigeria’s simple version of Pidgin English. Let’s see how much sense that you make out of my message. So, here we go:

Me, I sabi say my pidgin no perfect, but I dey try, shaa. I get two points wey I wan caution my Naija (Nigeria) people for this covid-19 pandemic matter:

  • The Danger Of Nigeria’S Wayo-Wayo (Fraudulent) Pastors: I believe say some wayo-wayo (fake) Pentecostal pastors dey talk nonsense for this covid-19 matter. For instance, Pastor Oyedepo of the “Living Faith” Church suppose to dey for inside jail for lawlessness liable to spread covid-19.
  • The Exodus Of Jah People: This na specially for my Igbo brothers and sisters inside Naija.

Make I tell you, I care for every Naija person, whether him be Hausa, Igbo, Yoruba, Ijaw, Kanuri, plus-including any other tribe. In fact, I care for all the people of the world; but we dey talk am say “charity dey begin for home,” so make I begin with my caution to my Igbo brothers and sisters first. I wan talk about how we dey run home to Igbo land from every place wey we dey for Naija when anything happens. I wan tell you first say na wonderful tradition be that ooo, walahi!!! Na “Exodus: Movement of Jah People” be that, nah. Me, I dey always enjoy Christmas, and Easter, and Afiaolu, and other echetaram and echetaram things wey dey happen in my village any time wey I dey for Naija; even plus including going to vote for election for my village. Only thing be say na rigging selection and killings wey Naija sabi do, nobi election. So, I no dey vote for Naija because I sabi say my vote no count at all. But I still waka go my village just because many of my people wey I wan drink village palmy with, go come from anywhere wey them dey for Naija to vote for my village.

Anyway, the thing wey I dey talk be say, I love the exodus of my Igbo Jah people to Igbo land all the time, because this show say we love our traditions, and we love ourselves. But, abeg (I beg you), this matter of covid-19 pandemic dey different o! I wan tell my people say make we stop the exodus kpata kpata for this covid-19 matter. And, I dey tell all the people for village, make una no go near anybody wey run come home. They dey very dangerous ooo!!! Na so them go carry the thing come give other people for that my village, and me, I no want am at all. If anybody run come home, make you avoid am like kitikpa (leprosy) abeg ooo!!! As them dey waka for road to come to Igbo land, na so them dey catch the covid wahala (covid trouble) come give una for village. Yes ooo!!! I no wan make my brothers and sisters, and old mama and old papa them wey dey village wipe out because of our tradition to run home any time anything happen.

So, abeg, my “pfipful” (mocking Buhari’s poor pronunciation of ‘people’) try to stay kamkpe wherever you dey now, and keep yourself away from many “pfipful.” Make you no carry covid-19 from Lagos, or Abuja, or Maiduguri, Calabar, or any other place to go Igbo land and kill our “pfipful,” as our president call am, you hear me so? As for you wey dey for village, abeg no go greet anybody wey run come home. They go carry the killer covid come ooo!!! As they enter motor dey meet people for motor and road, na so them dey carry covid-19–gbam!!! In fact, I wish say every governor go do like Rivers State governor, Nyesom Wike, and block all the roads, plus-including the airports for their states.

Now, make I talk about the bullshit of Nigeria’s wayo-wayo (fake) pastors who dey deceive Nigerians say God dey punish bad people with covid-19. And, those crooks that call themselves prophets no fit predict say covid-19 dey come o. But they sabi make stupid prophesies wey no make sense, telling lies each time wey they talk. Ordinary Chinese monkey win TB Joshua in 2016 ooo. The man predict say Hilary Clinton go win Donald Trump for election, but a Chinese Monkey say na Trump go win. The monkey won; Joshua failed, period!!! Abi na the gangster called Father Mbaka I wan talk about his lies for money? In some stupid prophesies, they go say something like: “prominent Nigerians go die this year.” I’m like: na stupid you dey, abi your own don reach craze, or kolo mental level??? Who no sabi say inside country wey get 200 million people, some must die every year? And, of course some people wey go die go include prominent people, meeeeen!!! In fact, by proportion, more prominent people fit die, because na them worry pass poor people. Also, I wan ask, wettin happen to all our fake miracle pastors, huh? Covid-19 no get miracle cure? As they all love money reach, they no sabi say they go make gazillion dollars if their miracles go cure the pandemic?

You know say those crooks dey sabi make money with every chance they get, by brainwashing Naija Christians. They don dey confuse their foolish followers say covid-19 no go touch them because them be the children of God. They lie say the pandemic na the punishment of God to bad people. Abeg, na big wayo-wayo lie ooo!!! That na their way to make people to continue to pay tithe and all kinds of offerings, so that the pandemic no go stop their sinful and criminal life of private jets, exotic cars and mansions, meeeeeen!!!! Abeg, make you no listen to their rubbish ooo!!! If covid-19 come for bad people, na most pastors go die first.

You sabi say the crooks wey get the Pentecostal churches for Naija get websites where they brainwash their followers to pay tithe and all the other offerings, kwo (right)? The big crooks like the “Living Faith” Church and the rest of them don dey brainwash people say covid-19 no mean say you no go pay your tithe and offerings. Na must say you go pay your tithe, otherwise God go punish you with covid-19. The crooks suppose to talk about how them go feed their flocks wey the pandemic no go allow to make money to eat. But instead, they still dey continue to brainwash them to pay tithe, meeeeeeen!!!

I dey mention “Living Faith” as example because I dey vex for the wayo Overseer pastor, nobi small!!! He disobeyed government directives wey say make people no gather together, to avoid dey scatter covid-19 more. The idiot held church services, come dey give stupid excuse say him be want to advise his members against covid-19. So, na the idiot sabi talk better pass professionals wey dey for all the Radio, TV, and Social Media, wey dey do that job already? Na lie!!! The sinful son of Adam no want obey the law. Na him be say him be criminal. And him do am only because he wan make sure say he go collect offerings and tithes. Na men of God wey suppose to be the first to obey the law; the Holy Bible talk so. But Nigerian crooks wey una dey call pastors believe say they big pass the law. This one mean say they think say they pass the bible and God wey say people suppose to obey laws. If I was in charge, Pastor Oyedepo go dey for jail now, for lawlessness wey dey deadly, meeeeeen!!!

Another thing dey vex me about Naija pastors, make I tell you. Na the idiots wey dey deceive Christians say covid-19 nobi for “God’s children.” They just dey craze, meeeeen!!!!! I wan caution Christians say, abeg, make you no allow them deceive you, abeg ooo!!! Make you do everything wey you suppose to avoid covid-19. Make you no believe the crooks to confuse you say as long as you pay them tithe and offerings, and pray, covid-19 no go touch you. Na big lie be that ooo!!! Na wayo-wayo to get your tithe and offerings. Yes nah, we must pray always make Baba Goddey protect us. But Baba Goddey no dey help anybody wey no help himself ooo!!! Abeg, obey all the informate wey them professionals and goffment don give us wey go protect us from covid-19…abegi ooo!!!

Any time wey I talk anything about Naija’s wayo-wayo Christianity, I sabi say fake pastors don brainwash too many Christians to fight the truth. So, I make sure say I show example inside bible. Oya, ngwa nu, make I remind you wettin dey for your bible: Remember the days of the ancient Israelites, when plague like covid-19 hammer them? The Israelites sidon inside their homes and locked their doors, kpichikom, until the wahala pass; nobi so? If you put together all the wayo-wayo pastors wey full Naija these days, their power no fit reach anywhere near the power of one single Levite of the ancient Israelites. Yet, when their own covid-19 wahala land for Israel, those powerful Levites wey God loved so much no deceive the Israelites say nothing go happen to them, mbanu, tufiakwa!!! The Levites encouraged Israelites say make them enter their homes and lock their doors, meeeeeeeeen!!!—(Isaiah Chapter 26, verse 20).

Now, Nigerian crooks wey dey call themselves pastors dey tell their flocks, indirectly and directly sometimes, make them challenge covid-19 Them dey say the thing no go harm them because they be children of God. Those people dey mad, and they call am faith!!! Una wey be Pentecostal Christians, una think say you better pass the Israelites of old days? Bros eee, if the Israelites run go hide inside house for plague, Naija people suppose to even dig hundred feet inside ground to hide ooo. Our sins pass their own one billion times, ke!!! So, you see how stupid the thing sound to me when idiots who dey call themselves pastors dey deceive people say covid-19 na only for sinners? That one na big lie ooo! Na this kind lie I dey call a whole bunch of bullshitting, meeeeeeeen?!!!

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