Obasanjo’s Vindictive Venom: Dream Number 2

Greetings!

For the life of me, I have no idea why ex-president Obasanjo has persisted in my dreams these days. Really, the man has done enough damage to my mind over the past eight years, and if I never see him again before I die, that would be too soon. But, trust the do- or-die old General; he always gets what he wants, or else… Anyway, it does seem that I am stuck with him for now, and that means that you are stuck with my silly dreams about a dethroned, angry and vindictive Army General. In this second dream Obasanjo was donned in the same befitting Army General attire, and partly engulfed in similar thick black smoke as in the first. Unlike the first dream, however, Nigerians were angry and very assertive this time around.

Another strange variation of this dream from the previous was the presence of a huge monster standing beside the General. I could easily distinguish a fusion of the faces of Afe Babalola and Senator David Mark on what otherwise looked like a huge abstract mass of weird hairy blob. Obasanjo had a megaphone, and his mouth and body were going through the motions of speaking, but the actual bellowing sound when he spoke was coming from the monstrous blob.

I need not remind you how extremely imaginative you have to be in order to be anywhere near comprehension of the bizarre scenario in my dream. It is necessary as you read the dialogue between General Obasanjo on one side, and the entire people of Nigeria on the other side. Here we go:

Obasanjo: You bloody civilians are here again? What is it that you want this time?

Nigerians: We have many issues, General Terror!
Obasanjo: What issues, you nitwits? What is the matter with all of you anyway? I heard that you
were on strike. Waitin concern me? I was having fun in Jamaican paradise, while you were killing yourselves here. Why did you stop? Oloshi! And where did you suddenly acquire the courage to challenge my authority, anyway?

Nigerians: We have had enough of your terror in eight years, and we want you to keep away from
our government.

Obasanjo: You call it terror, but I did it all to save you fools from yourselves. I was your messiah. Indeed, I am still in charge, and don’t you forget it! Unfortunately I am not so sure about Ya’Adua’s full cooperation anymore. Not after his betrayal in the matter of my boy Andy Uba in Anambra State. He even thinks that he is suddenly bold enough to constitute his own cabinet without my permission. I thank God that I was able to install David Mark as Senate President, and I am still the master of impeachment antics. So, I suggest that you warn Yar’Adua.

Nigerians: No, baba Iyabo, the warning is yours! Leave Yar’Adua alone. He is not your puppet.
You can see that we no longer call you our baba. Your babalawo has failed, and your charm is no longer working. Your extreme wickedness has lifted the veil off our eyes, and we have realized that we were stupid to ever call you our father. Your days are gone forever, and our history will forever have you as the worst leader this country ever had. Why do you think they booed and threw stones at you in your own hometown Ota? Listen General, we were stupid when we let you get away with the plot of treason in Anambra State where you abducted a sitting state governor. This time, we will flush you out of this country if you try to abduct Yar’Adua. The man seems to be a nice guy. Leave him alone to serve Nigerians well, or else…

Obasanjo: Or else what? (Now fuming, he glares at the monstrous blob beside him). Look here,
David Babalola, or should I call you Afe Mark, do something before I completely lose my temper. I did not make you Senate President to sit there and allow these fools to insult me.

The Monster: Haba, baba! The Senate Presidency is supposed to be my payoff for the third-term deal.

Obasanjo: You’re crazy! Fool! What third-term? Did I not pay you for it, and did you succeed? Why am I in Ota today? They actually booed and threw stones at me in my own Ota; can you believe that? Anyway, where is your co-conspirator Mantu today? Besides, what makes you think that I care about keeping my word on such stupid deals? Have you talked to Babangida lately? Did he not tell you that deals are meant to be broken when they no longer serve my purpose? You owe me, and you’d better start paying, or get ready for impeachment. And you, Babalola, you must be out of your mind to think that I gave you all those hundreds of millions of naira just to register a stupid company. Or, maybe you thought I was paying you to fight my illegalities. And who needed you, when I had Bayo Ojo? Did you subvert any court orders for me? Was that not Ojo’s job? Anyway, whatever you call yourselves, talk to those bloody Nigerian civilians. Get them off my back. (He walks away).

The Monster (Turns reluctantly to Nigerians; very incoherent): Fellow Nigerians, please try to understand that baba is angry, especially because President Yar’Adua went ahead and reverted the VAT increase and reduced the fuel hike without his permission. You have allowed him to violate our constitution in the past eight years, and the man has gotten used to it. Must you start rocking the boat now? Those of us that you call his hatchet boys don’t even know any longer what is legal and what is not. For instance, baba did not even bother to consult with us when he increased those prices. But we still think, no we believe, well, actually we are almost sure that baba’s fuel hike was legal, and the strike was illegal…or vice versa…well…

Nigerians: Enough of that nonsense, whatever it is that you call your ugly selves in that monstrous blob! Who are your fellow Nigerians? We will eventually deal with all you worthless sycophants when we are through with your lawless do-or-die General. You probably think that we have forgotten all about your ugly roles in such matters as the third-term agenda, the June 12 saga, and the looting of our treasury. Sadly, the destroyers of this nation keep recycling the likes of you who have nothing but agony to offer us, and yet we have abundance of brilliant brains in this nation. This is our country, our sovereignty, and our oil money, for crying out loud! Who is Obasanjo to tell all of us that we have no say in what happens to it? Who are you to tell us that we should all die in penury so that a few sycophants like you may have more trillions of naira to steal, and live like kings? Traitors!

Nigerians were repeatedly bellowing, ‘traitors, traitors, traitors…’ when I woke up from the dream. Interestingly, except for the mention of his name, President Yar’Adua did not feature anywhere in my dream. And, speaking of the president, I beg to differ with anybody who says that Obasanjo left him with a crisis situation as he exited office last May. On the contrary, Obasanjo unwittingly left Yar’Adua with an opportunity to shine like the Northern Star before Nigerians. A good public relations manager would have turned Obasanjo’s vindictive fuel and VAT hike to Ya’Adua’s perfect image-making advantage. It was his opportunity to show Nigerians that he is remorseful about the mandate that Obasanjo stole on his behalf. He had a great opportunity to honestly try to legitimize the stolen mandate, and he blew it. He talks about “unity-government,” but failed to recognize a great tool that Obasanjo unwittingly dropped on his laps. What he was looking for in Sokoto was right there inside a pocket of his shokoto (pants), and he let it slip right through his hands.

What would Yar’Adua personally loose to promptly revert everything, and then dialogue with Nigerians? It is our collective oil, for crying out loud! What better way was there to endear himself to all Nigerians? In our typically complacency, we would by now be attacking Buhari and Atiku to drop their cases against Yar’Adua at the election tribunal. Where are all the intelligent, people-oriented image-making strategists that abound in this country? Our governments need them, I say…and I ain’t bullshitting!

Harry Agina writes from USA

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