A SATIRE ABOUT NIGERIANS IN HEAVEN & HELL

NOTE: First published on December 5, 2020. The “Published” date on the tab is the date that it was uploaded on this new site. Though some issues in this piece may still be current (depending on…), this is to avoid mistaking this piece as current news.

This is “No Bullshiting,” by Harry Agina.

Greetings, folks!

NBB PRELUDE:

Folks, I have to announce that the following short satire is not my original, and I won’t claim that it is, because I abhor plagiarism. However, I love the idea so much and I have significantly modified the original idea to suit my grammar and style. I want to share it with you, in case you haven’t yet seen the original version that has been circulation on Social Media. It comprises two hilarious conversations about Nigerians. The dialogues are between God and His Angels on one hand, and between God and Lucifer on the other hand.

          I do wish that I know the original artist, to give him or her the deserved credit. I will spice up my modification for you with my customary NBB Infotainment.

The story is that there was some bangarang (commotion) in heaven, and, Baba (father) Godee had summoned His angels to His presence. Here is how the comic that I have copied narrates the story, with the significant modification by yours truly:

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THE COPIED & MODIFIED SATIRE:

ANGELS: Father! We are tired of these Nigerians in heaven.

GOD: What have they done this time?

ANGEL: Everything, sir! They don’t listen to instructions. They don’t obey any law. They don’t obey traffic rules. They don’t queue in line to wait for their turn for anything anywhere. They are completely reckless!

GOD: Then we’d better send them to hell!

(GOD CALLS THE DEVIL AFTER FEW DAYS OF THE NIGERIANS IN HELL)

GOD: Hello, Lucifer…

SATAN: Hello my creator and master, please call me later. There’s an issue I’m trying to resolve.

(TEN MINUTES LATER)

GOD: Hello Lucifer.

SATAN: Your Lordship, my father! I’ll call you back. The issue has turned into a crisis o!

(AN HOUR LATER)

SATAN: Hello?

GOD: What’s going on over there?

SATAN: It’s the MOTHERFUCKING Nigerians who I have with me in hell oo! (He stammers), they… they… they have quenched the fire in hell and installed air-conditioners everywhere.

Don’t laugh alone…share it.

END OF COPIED SATIRE

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NBB POSTLUDE:

So, what the fuck are you laughing about, huh? Isn’t that exactly what happens here in Nigeria on earth? The motherfuckers that we call leaders disobey and destroy all our laws; steal all our money; use sirens and police to violate all our traffic rules, going against traffic, running red lights, intimidating and pushing us off the roads into gutters and bushes with convoys of billion-naira SUVs that they bought with our own money that they stole.

        Most of them are never prosecuted and punished; but the tiny few that do happen to be prosecuted and imprisoned, reconstruct their own cells in the hellish Nigerian prisons into heaven, with special design and furniture. So, they still live like ancient Roman Emperors inside the prisons where they transform their own cells into heaven, meeeeen!!!

        Those motherfucking crooks actually leave the prisons to go for their fun in nightclubs every fucking weekend, and return to the prison on Mondays. You don’t believe me? Then, go and investigate, and find out by yourself. Start by asking the fucked-up prison Wardens who the crooks pay millions of naira to arrange all the luxury for them. They also bring them all the women that they want, every fucking day that they want them.

        And then, in some cases, other crooks called leaders find some fucked-up excuses to release the crooks in prison. Sometimes they tell us that the judge who sentenced their fellow crooks “Lack jurisdiction.” Mind you, nobody says that the crimes did not happen; no, sir/ma’am…just the fucked-up excuse that another judge should have pronounced the sentence. Then, the case is closed without the re-sentencing that should promptly happen by another judge with the so-called jurisdiction, meeeeeeeeen!!!

Oh, how I wish that all those crooks who are called our leaders would be given the “Rawlings Treatment,” which put the fear of God in the Ghanaian leaders a while ago, and brought some sanity in Ghana’s leadership, for the development of Ghana, and to the democratic benefit of Ghanaians.

        Now, thanks to Jerry Rawlings, bless his departed soul, Ghanaians that Nigerians once told that “Ghana Must Go” home from Nigeria, are now telling us that “Nigerians Must Go” out of their reformed country, and go home to grab back their own fucked-up Nigeria from the crooks that we call leaders who fucked up the country, and fix the country for the good of the people, meeeeeeen!!!

NBB INFOTAINMENT:

Today, I bring you the “Lovers Rock” music of another one of my favorite Jamaican reggae artists, Frankie Paul. The song is titled “You’re My Angel.”

Let me ask you a No Bullshitting question: If you are a woman; do you have a male angel spouse of your own? And, if you are a man; do you have a female angel of your own?

     Well, I do believe that you should have an angel of your own; I do have one myself. That’s what Frankie Paul’s song is about. And, if you do have an angel as a spouse; then, don’t you dare to fuck it up, be sure to give him/her peace and joy as Frankie says here; y’hear me so? If you do otherwise, then you’re full of shit…tell them that Harry says so, meeeeeeeeeen!!!

Sadly, Frankie Paul died too young, of kidney failure. He was blind when he was born in Kingston, Jamaica. During his time, many dubbed him “The Jamaican Stevie Wonder,” and, I’m sure that you know the two reasons.

 But, regardless of his handicap, Frankie lived a fruitful, accomplished life as a reggae artist. Born on October 19, 1965, Frankie was five months shy of making it to his 52nd birthday when he died on May 18, 2017. His Lovers Rock rocked the reggae world during the 1980s and 1990s.

 So, without further delay, let’s rock your Saturday with Frankie’s “You’re My Angel”:

https://youtu.be/6hJ0RQ5DxcQ