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VANITY! UPON VANITY!! UPON VANITY!!!

January 14, 2022

This is “No Bullshiting”, by Harry Agina.

Greetings, folks!

My grouse today is with the fucked-up mentality of titles in Nigeria. Yap, I tell ya, too many Nigerians are truly full of shit when it comes to respect and cravings for titles. Many can go to any foolish and unethical length to acquire all manner of titles to their names. The reason is that too many Nigerians worship titles. In the official circles, Nigerians have some titles that disgust the hell outta me. They are either undeserved, or simply nonsensical. I have three examples, namely, “Distinguished”, for members of the Senate, “Honorable”, for the members of House of Representatives, and “Executive” for state governors. And, in the general society, we have individuals with the madness of acquiring gazillions of titles. One man may answer “Otumba Chief Honorable Barrister Engineer General Ogbuefi John Doe.” This is the much that I can recall now, but many Nigerians have more titles to their names than just seven. I believe that the Christian Holy Bible has a description for such characteristic—“Vanity, upon vanity, upon vanity”, meeeeeeen!!!

And then, may God save you if you meet a guy with several names in addition to the titles. You may have to drink some water to replenish your breath by the time you’re through saying his numerous names with the numerous titles. Sadly, disgracefully, disappointingly, and disgustingly, the Nigerian society has been programmed to support this vanity. And, too many Nigerians actually pay much more attention to the gazillion titles than the substance or quality of the individual with the titles. No wonder, too many title-mongers can go to any length to acquire them, because they have worshippers of titles. Naturally, money is one of the lengths that many can go to acquire titles. Too many Nigerians would pay any sum for a title. And, to the people who dish out the titles, it does not matter who or what you are; just pay, and you’ve got it! It is a “Cash-and-carry” affair, and you are entitled to carry as many as you can pay for. So, if you are a mass murderer, or even worse, it doesn’t matter. Just bring the money, and you become a holder of the title that you seek.

Hence, titles in Nigeria are becoming more worthless by the day than the papers or plaques upon which they are inscribed. Even the government’s “National Honors” of today are bought with money, or through personal and political nepotism. It is hardly for merits. Sadly, gone are the days when a title in any African community was endowed with genuine, well-deserved honor. In those good old days, titles were never given out as frivolously as in these present days. The possession of a title automatically meant that you had impeccable character and quality. Well, I mean almost impeccable, or relatively impeccable, since no human is completely impeccable. There is always one or two little spots here and there. Anyway, in those good old days, one must have been observed, spied on, examined, interrogated, and scrutinized by the institution that issued the title. And, one was certified by persons of impeccable integrity, who found one not to be wanting in character and merits. In those good old days, money was definitely not a requisite in the matter; merit and character or integrity were the requisites, meeeeeeeeen!!!

Now, let’s get to my favorite grouse. I speak of some vain and undeserved titles of our rulers. I am particularly pissed off with and about the federal lawmakers. It has become an NBB song that, in the stead of lawmakers, Nigeria has loot-makers. Some Nigerians also call this branch of government “the legisla-thieves”, in the stead of legislatives. They deserve worse names actually, because they refuse to represent Nigerians well. They are too compromised, and too self-serving, in all the evil ways. Laughably, the senators are called “Distinguished Senators”, and members of House of Representatives are addressed as “Honorable Representatives.” Sure, indeed, our senators are truly distinguished, but only in evil self-serving leadership. And, as for the so-called Representatives, they are Dishonorable, and definitely not honorable, meeeeeeen!!!

And, how about the extra title of “Executive” that the vain Nigerian State Governors attach to their title, like “Executive Governor John Doe?” Other countries of the world call a state governor just ‘Governor John Doe.’ But Nigeria’s state governors want the word “Executive” to make them to sound and feel like our larger-than-life overlords. This is nonsensical because,, as an adjective, the synonyms of ‘executive’ include: directorial, administrative, decision-making, managerial, controlling. And, as a noun, the synonyms include: chief, principal, senior official, senior manager. All those are also what the title State Governor’ stands for already—to “direct”, and be the “senior manager” of the affairs of the state. So, what the fuck is the need to add “Executive” to the title that already means ‘executive”, huh? It sounds tautological to me, meeeeeeeeeen!!!

          As for our lootmakers at the National Assembly who Nigerians call lawmakers, their titles totally disgust me. I tell ya; the last thing that I will ever do is to address them as “Distinguished Senators” and “Honorable Representatives.” I reject such hypocrisy, when I know that they are the exact opposite of what those titles say! Distinguished and Honorable my foot! They are only distinguished and dishonorable self-serving motherfuckers, meeeeeeen!!!

Mind you, if you dare to leave out any of those gazillion titles when you address some of Nigeria’s vain title-mongers, you are in for trouble. If you expect any favor from such a motherfucker, you might as well forget about the favor if you leave out any of his gazillion titles. He sees it as an insult. I do advisedly consistently use ‘he’ and ‘his’ because this is actually a male ego bullshit. It’s not so prevalent in women. I can also say that title mongering is more of a southerners’ fancy; it is less prevalent in the north. I do have a joyful feeling now, as I know, that you know, that I ain’t bullshiting ya, meeeeeeen!!!

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